


Beetlejuice Textposts

by AndiMackmeetsHeathers



Category: Beetlejuice - Perfect/Brown & King
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Attempt at Humor, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Family Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, Romantic Fluff, They've adopted Sky now okay, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:53:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23983366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndiMackmeetsHeathers/pseuds/AndiMackmeetsHeathers
Summary: Textposts in the form of fanfiction. Just the same as textposts, only extended and on here! Enjoy! (:
Relationships: Adam Maitland/Barbara Maitland, Beetlejuice/Adam Maitland, Charles Deetz/Delia Deetz, Lydia Deetz/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 45





	1. Live, Laugh, Love

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: swearing. Enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has something to say about Barbara's quirky little catch phrases, not all of it good. Trigger warning for food.

Barbara: Live, Laugh, Love! 

Betelgeuse: *rolls eyes* That is the most stereotypically white thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth, Babs. 

Adam: Ignore him, Barbara. Okay, we all need a three word catchphrase as a life philosophy now. Let's go! 

Sky: Bake some cookies! 

Barbara: Aw, that's sweet!

Delia: Happy rainbow crystals! 

Lydia: That's not how you-

Charles: At least she tried. What's yours? 

Lydia: Fuck shit up.

Sky: *gasps*

Delia and Barbara: No-! 

Lydia: Yes. What about you, Beej? 

Betelgeuse: Kill all humans.

Everyone: BETELGEUSE, NO! 

Betelgeuse: What? It's three words, isn't it? 

Adam: There's no reasoning with you, I swear. What's yours, Charles?

Charles: Work, Play, Protect.

Betelgeuse: Protect who? 

Charles: My family, of course. 

Sky: Yay!

Delia: Awww! 

Lydia: I don't need protecting, fuck you. 

Barbara: Lydia, that's not nice. 

Adam: Apologise to Charles! 

Lydia: Sorry, Charles. 

Charles: Lydia-

Lydia: Sorry, Dad.

Charles: I forgive you. What's your catchphrase, Adam? 

Adam: Live, Dream, Pray. 

Betelgeuse: What are you praying for? God doesn't exist. There's only me. 

Lydia: And why is it live? You're dead, aren't you, Adam. 

Adam: Listen here, you little-!

Delia: Whoa, chill. The vibe is off. 

Barbara: She's right, calm down. 

Adam: Fine, I'm sorry. 

Delia: Good. 

Barbara: And that is why I choose to live, laugh, love.


	2. Glitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delia and Betelgeuse both love glitter a bit too much, while they have their new daughter in he room...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for swearing, food and vague drug using implications (relating to glitter). Don't forget to comment below! 
> 
> Bon appetit.

Adam: Barbara, honey, why's there glitter everywhere? 

Barbara: I don't know, I've been baking all day for Sky so she can sell the cookies. 

Adam: Well yes, I know that, she's in our living room, but- 

Adam and Barbara, at the same time: SKY! 

Sky: Yes? You called my name? 

Barbara: Sky, have you been using up all the glitter again?

Sky: Not all of it, I used a bit for the card I was gonna send to poor Mrs Debora next door, she's ill.

Adam: Well, you've got it everywhere! 

Sky: No, I haven't. I cleaned it all up. 

Barbara: Then who-? 

Charles: Delia! 

Lydia: Betelgeuse! 

Barbara: Uh oh. 

Adam: You two stay here, I'm investigating. 

Delia: *adding glitter to her origami* Betelgeuse showed me how to do origami, in exchange for glitter.

Charles: Why the hell does origami need glitter? 

Delia: To beautify it, of course! 

Charles: That's ridiculous. How old are you, eight? Sky's made less of a mess than you have. 

Delia: I'm sorry, I got carried away with myself. I'll clean it up like the responsible adult I am, I promise.

Charles: Good. Where's Betelgeuse, by the way? 

Delia: Next door with my other glitter jar. 

Charles: Your other-? You know what, it doesn't matter. I'm going to check up on Betelgeuse. 

Delia : *spots Adam* Adam! Come do glitter origami with me! 

Adam: I'm good, thanks. 

Delia: No, no, I insist! 

Adam: Well, if you say so.

Delia: Yay! 

Adam: I just hope everything is alright next door....

Lydia: You've been doing WHAT?! 

Betelgeuse: Sniffing glitter. Glitter is sooo shiny and pretty, I love it. It was so tempting. So I did it.

Lydia: I feel as though I'm losing brain cells right now.

Betelgeuse: You're not the only one, kid. But it feels good! So good! Except for the fact that I keep sneezing glitter. 

Lydia: Can Dad and I not even leave you alone for an hour? Geez. We have Sky to think about now. She is still scared of you, you know. What is she supposed to think, huh?

Betelgeuse: Oh, well. I'm having fun. Am I not allowed to have fun anymore? Party pooper. I thought you were fun. 

Lydia: I am fun. Usually. But I draw the line here! You can't keep pulling stunts like this!

Betelgeuse: I've also been eating the glitter. It's delicious, if a bit scratchy on the ol' throat, of course. Who knew glitter could be so fantabulous? 

Lydia: Eating-? I don't even wanna know. And that isn't even a word.

Betelgeuse: Is too! 

Lydia: Is not! 

Betelgeuse: It is so! 

Lydia: Not! 

Betelgeuse: Is! 

Lydia: Not.

Charles: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on in here? Why are you two squabbling like little children? *Gasps* What the-? 

Lydia: Dad, he's been eating the glitter. And sniffing it. 

Sky, from the doorway, being pulled away by a frantic Barbara: Why would you sniff glitter? 

Charles: Sky, go back to the living room, won't you? Barbara has made cookies, haven't you, Barbara? 

Barbara: *nodding* Yep, I sure have! Come on, Sky, let's go. 

Charles: Okay, they're gone. Thank God. 

Betelgeuse: There's no God. Only me. 

Lydia: Yeah, and he's been consuming glitter! 

Charles: Why the fuck would you do that? 

Betelgeuse: Glitter shiny! 

Charles: I'm having a lie down. Lydia, you take care of your....pet.

Lydia: *running after him* Wait, Dad! 

Betelgeuse: Yeah! Wait, Dad! 

Adam: *upon seeing a glittery Betelgeuse and a panicky Lydia chase Charles, realising he's making glitter origami with Delia and hearing Sky insist to Barbara that cookies taste better with glitter in them* I'm done. I'm officially done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment! Have a great day! (:


	3. Pets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They discuss which pets they'd have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for swearing. I hope you enjoy this!

Charles: Right, I think it's about time we got a pet. What would you like to adopt, folks? 

Sky: A bunny rabbit! They're so fluffy and cute! Or maybe a horse? 

Charles: We're not getting a horse, Sky. 

Sky: *pouting* Fine, a bunny it is then.

Charles: Got it. What about you, Adam?

Adam: You can't go wrong with a Labrador. 

Barbara: You are absolutely right. However, it would be nice to start simple. Maybe with fish. 

Lydia: Do you ever think that maybe fish have a short memories because otherwise they'd grow tired of swimming around and around in circles in the same old place, having outgrown where they are but physically unable to break free from the figurative chains they've been shackled with, seeing as it's impossible for them to communicate with the outside world around them, which doesn't hear their screams for help?

Adam: 

Barbara: 

Sky: 

Betelgeuse:

Delia: Lydia, I worry about you sometimes.

Charles: As do I. Anyway, would you like any pets yourself? 

Lydia: I thought Betelgeuse was already our pet.

Betelgeuse: Hey! 

Lydia: Sorry not sorry. 

Charles: No, he isn't.

Lydia: You said so yourself last week. 

Charles: *visibly winces* Did I? I don't remember. Other than that, what would you like? 

Lydia: A reptile of some kind. Maybe a lizard, which blends into its surroundings to become invisible because that's how I used to feel. Or something like that, I don't know. What were you considering, Dad? 

Charles: I was thinking maybe a hamster, just to start out with- 

Betelgeuse: Boring. 

Charles: Well, what do you propose? 

Betelgeuse: A snake! They're perfect! I want a new Big Sandy. Plus, snakes are a good metaphor for sneak and skill. I think they represent me very well, actually. 

Charles: Is that so? 

Betelgeuse: Uh huh. 

Charles: That's a no to the snakes, then. 

Betelgeuse: Hey! 

Charles: Sorry not sorry. 

Betelgeuse: Like father, like daughter. 

Lydia: *kicks him* Nope! 

Charles: Did you guys hear something? Because I sure didn't. Swiftly moving on. Delia? What pet would you like, my love?

Lydia: *mimes throwing up* 

Betelgeuse: *rolls his eyes* 

Barbara: Come on, be nice, guys.

Delia: I'd love to have a cat! I used to have a cat. They're very self sufficient creatures, you know. 

Betelgeuse: I'm basically already your cat. Ya know, eats everything, self sufficient, happy indoors or outdoors, will sleep anywhere, takes a while to bathe, pretty antisocial at times, pisses everywhere.

Adam and Barbara: BETELGEUSE! 

Betelgeuse: Relax, relax. I'm joking about that last part. 

Lydia: There's a child in here, Beej. No swearing. 

Charles: There's two, actually. 

Lydia: Whatever. I'm nearly sixteen. 

Sky: Yeah! That's really grown up! 

*Everyone laughs except for Lydia*

Charles: The emphasis being on the word 'nearly'. Any way, your idea is good, Delia. I think we'll go basic, maybe a cat or a dog. 

Betelgeuse: *Meowing and licking himself* 

Lydia: 

Adam: 

Barbara: 

Delia: 

Sky: 

Charles: You have some serious issues, Mr Juice. In fact, Delia will be appointed as your life coach, too, from now on. 

Delia and Betelgeuse: Noooo! 

Charles: *shrugs* That's what you get for pretending to be a cat. 

Betelgeuse: Whatever. I'm heading in for the night. 

Everyone: Goodnight! 

Betelgeuse: *heads out*

Adam: So, I was thinking-

Betelgeuse: Hey, guys? 

Everyone: Yeah? 

Betelgeuse: Love you guys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment and have a great day! (:


	4. Disappointment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Adam needs help completing his crossword.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this!

Lydia: The Heathers movie is obviously superior!

Sky: No, the musical is!

Lydia: That's a very naïve way of looking at things when it's a lot bubblier than the movie.

Sky: I'm nine!

Lydia: Okay, okay. Betelgeuse, what do you think?

Betelgeuse: About what? 

Lydia: Heathers, and what's better, the film or the musical. Don't look at me like that, all confused. You know, only the thing we spent hours watching yesterday afternoon.

Betelegeuse: *snaps fingers* Oh, that! The movie. Duh. 

Lydia *to Sky*: See! I told you so! 

Betelgeuse *to himself*: But when it comes to Beetlejuice, the musical is obviously superior. 

Lydia: What? 

Betelgeuse: What? 

Sky: Barbara?

Barbara: Yes, sweetie? What is it? 

Sky: What's better, Heathers the musical or Heathers the movie? 

Barbara: *sits down and pulls Sky onto her lap* Hmm, I don't know, that's a hard one. But if I had to pick, probably the musical. 

Lydia: You're just biased! 

Barbara: And so is Betelgeuse! 

Betelgeuse: Hey, hey, don't drag me into this, Babs. Really, don't.

Barbara: Why not? 

Betelgeuse: *hisses* 

Barbara: D-did he just hiss at me? Seriously? Delia, I thought you said you'd sorted this out already! 

Delia: What? What is it? I'm rearranging my crystal collection, I don't need distracting. 

Barbara: He's acting like a cat. Again. 

Delia: What did you say? 

Barbara: That he was bias and that Heathers the musical is superior to the movie. 

Delia: Isn't it? 

Charles: *entering the room* No, it isn't. The movie involves more complexity than one would realise and goes deeper than the musical ever could. 

Lydia: For once, I agree with you, Dad. 

Betelgeuse: Yeah, for once I agree with you, Dad. 

Lydia: Stop copying me! 

Betelgeuse: *in a high pitched voice* Stop copying me! 

Sky *to Barbara*: It's a tie! 

Barbara: Let's ask Adam. Adam? 

Lydia: Dad, tell him to stop copying me! 

Betelgeuse: Dad-ow! Stop kicking me! 

Lydia: *in a gravelly voice* Dad-ow! Stop kicking me! 

Charles: Stop it, both of you! 

Betelgeuse: She started it! 

Lydia: No, he started it! 

Betelgeuse: No- 

Adam: *looking up from his newspaper* Everyone stop arguing and help me with this crossword. I need a seven-letter word for disappointment. 

Betelgeuse: Charles. 

Charles: 

Adam: It fits. 

Charles: I am so done with this household, I swear. This is a madhouse. What's next, bats in the attic or something? 

Everyone: 

Charles: *a few minutes later* BETELGEUSE!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to leave a comment with feedback or ideas below! Thankd for resding this, have a great day! (:


	5. At the Supermarket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're just at the Supermarket, shopping for some groceries. What could possibly go wrong? 
> 
> Trigger warning for food and swearing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sweets mean candy by the way, I'm just British and forget American terms for things sometimes which I apologise for. Also trigger warning for food, swearing, mild mention of death. Also warning that's it's super long, I'm so sorry!

Charles: Right, now we're here, you've got to behave. 

Betelgeuse: Do they see me? Do you reckon the people see me? They do, don't they? 

Charles: Anyway, like I was saying, behave yourselves. Adam and Barbara, remember that you're visible too now so no pulling any stunts. Got it? 

Barbara: *knocking a stack of tinned beans over* Aw, damn! 

Adam: Barbara! 

*Barbara laughs* 

Charles: You two are in charge of Sky, myself and Delia are in charge of Lydia, and Betelgeuse is a....joint responsibility. 

Betelgeuse: Why? 

Lydia: You're a lot to handle, that's why. 

Betlegeuse: But I- 

Lydia: No-one asked.

Sky: Do I have to be separated from Lydia? 

Delia: It won't be for long, sweetheart. Then the stars will align and you'll meet each other again. 

Charles: She means we'll see you back here in fifteen minutes. Twenty, tops. 

Barbara: We won't be long round the shop, Sky. 

Lydia: Yeah, I'll see you soon, Sky, okay? 

*Sky nods and hugs Lydia briefly* 

Delia: She definitely has attachment issues. 

Lydia: She's nine. She will be emotionally attached to people. Isn't that how being nine works? 

Delia: Well- 

Lydia: Oh yeah, it's been a lifetime since you were nine. I almost forgot. 

Charles: Lydia, apologise to Delia immediately. That wasn't very kind of you. 

Delia: You don't even know how old I am.

Lydia: You're forty-three. 

Delia: *gasps* How does she know, Charles? 

Charles: *chuckling* Does it matter? 

Delia: I guess not. She still owes me an apology, though. 

Lydia: I'm sorry for being rude to you, Delia. 

Delia: Apology forgiven. Now, let's getting shopping.

Lydia: Wait a minute. 

Charles: What is it now? We have to get a move on, Lyds. 

Lydia: Mom used to call me that. 

Charles: Yes, she did and now I do too. Is there a problem with that? 

Lydia: I suppose not. 

Charles: Good. What were you going to say? 

Lydia: Betelgeuse has been oddly quiet. Where is he?

Charles: Oh no.

Lydia: Where the hell could he be? 

Betelgeuse: *hiding under a stack of loo rolls* Boo!

Elderly lady: *screams* 

Betelgeuse: Ha! Breathers are scared so easily, it's pathetic, really.

Lydia: Betelgeuse? 

Betelgeuse: Uh oh. Time to get outta here.

Sky: But why can't I have cupcakes? 

Barbara: Because we've already got cookies. And chocolate. And chocolate muffins. And sweets, too. 

Adam: That's more than enough sugar to keep you going for the next week or so, believe me.

Sky: You guys are no fun! 

Barbara: No. We're just adults. 

Betelgeuse: No, she's right. You guys really are no fun.

Sky: *falls into a stack of tomato soup in surprise* 

Barbara: Sky, are you okay? 

Sky: He still scares me! 

Barbara: I know, I know.

Adam: Beej, um, hi. I thought we weren't expecting you for another *glances at watch* eight minutes yet, splitting the time between us with ten minutes each. 

Betelgeuse: Maths and order and logic are all so boring. You're boring. But you're sexy! 

Barbara: Betelgeuse, please, you're in the presence of a child. 

Adam *kissing the top of Sky's head*: And a frightened one, at that! 

Betelgeuse: Sorry, kid. 

Sky: It's o-okay. 

Betelegeuse: Great! So, where were we? 

Adam: Are we, you mean. And we're at the Supermarket. 

Betelgeuse: *sarcastically* Really? I hadn't noticed.

Barbara: Betelgeuse....

Betelgeuse: Yes? 

Barbara: Don't start. 

Betelgeuse: Fine, fine. 

Sky: So can we get-? 

Betelgeuse: *spots the isle full of sweets* See ya, suckers! 

Adam: Aaand he's gone. Great. That's just what we need. 

Barbara: Oh well. He'll be fine. 

Sky: About those candy canes- 

Adam and Barbara: No.

Lydia: Get all the fruit. 

Charles: What? No. 

Delia: Great idea, Lydia. 

*Lydia and Delia high five* 

Charles: But why? 

Lydia: Well we can act out the whole Day O Thing for one, especially with bananas.

Delia: Plus, they're delicious and nutritious! 

Lydia: Never say that again. 

Delia: Why not? 

Charles: You sound like a walking advert, Delia. We'll get a good amount of fruit. Apples, bananas, oranges, strawberries, pineapples, grapes and blueberries. That's a lot, but there are seven of us, after all.

Delia: Yeah but does that weird demon even count? 

Lydia: Hey! Of course he does! Doesn't he, Dad? 

Charles: Yeah, I suppose so. Let's move on, shall we? 

Delia: Agreed. 

Lydia: Wait, stop! Is that Betelgeuse?

Betelgeuse: *stacking several buckets of candy floss, half a dozen chocolate bars and several packets of cookies into his an overflowing basket * Hey, guys! Looks like you found me!

Charles: There's no way I'm letting you buy all that. 

Betelgeuse: What? Why not? 

Delia: All that sugar's not good for you, you know.

Lydia: I actually agree with her. 

Betelgeuse: Fine. I'll buy it myself, then.

Charles: And what money would you be buying it with, exactly?

Betelgeuse: This. *Snaps his fingers and money appears*

Charles: Jokes on you, Mr Juice, because magic money doesn't actually work in supermarkets. They can always tell when it's fake. They'll be able to tell, and you'll be required to put all of your goodies back.  
So, you either go through with that and embarrass yourself, or buy what I permit, paid by my real money. It's your choice. 

Lydia: You heard the man.

Delia: Yeah!

Betelgeuse: Fine. I'll put it all back. 

Charles: Ha! Who's the disappointment now? 

Lydia: Bit harsh there, Dad.

Betelgeuse: Look, what can I buy? 

Charles: One bucket of candy floss, one chocolate bar and one pack of sweets. 

Betelgeuse: What about-? 

Charles: No. I've been generous enough to you as it is. 

Betelgeuse: Or I could just shoplift....

Lydia: No! Come back!

Shop Assistant: Sir, come back. You have to pay for that! 

Betelgeuse: Here, have some money then! *Snaps his fingers, and a pile of money appears, drowning the assistant* 

Shop Assistant: Thief! 

Betelgeuse: Fuck. 

Charles:*appears and blocks his way out of the store.* Halt!

Betelgeuse: Double fuck. 

Lydia: *pounces on him and removes his stash* Ha! Take that! 

Betelgeuse: Triple fuck. *Makes the magic money disappear.*

Charles: *To the shop assistant* Here, take this for your troubles. That should be enough for the fine and more, please don't press charges. 

Shop Assistant: Fine. 

Betelgeuse: Party poopers. 

Charles; You're lucky I'm still buying you what I allocated you earlier. Be grateful. 

Betelgeuse: Fine. 

Lydia: Guys, sorry to ruin your touching moment or whatever, but where is Delia? 

Delia: Glitter. PVA glue. Unicorn phone case. Nail varnish. Heart patterned pencil case. Chocolate muffins. Strawberry cupcakes. Check!

Charles: Delia, there you are! Where were you? We've been looking for you every-what is all of this crap? 

Delia: It's not crap, it's the items from my own personal shopping list. I didn't want you and Adam to dictate the shopping lists all by yourselves, because then how would I have been able to get all of glorious stuff. 

Charles: I wouldn't call all of this glorious, per se. 

Lydia: That's putting it lightly. It looks like a unicorn from Rainbow Land just ate glitter the way Betelgeuse did that one time and vomited it everywhere, adding a little cherry on top as it went along. 

Delia: *clapping* And wouldn't that be wonderful?

Charles: You're just lucky I love you, Delia Deetz. 

Lydia: I'm sorry to interrupt your sweet little romantic moment-okay, who am I kidding, no I'm not-but again, where is Betelgeuse?

Adam: Won't they be wondering where you've got to, Beej? If you didn't tell them, that is. 

Betelgeuse: Eh. Who gives a shit? 

Barbara: *covering Sky's ears* Language! 

Betelgeuse: English. 

Barbara: Seriously, stop. 

Betelgeuse: Alright. Hey, Sky, do you wanna play a game of Hide and Seek, kid? 

Adam: Wait, n-

Sky: Yay! Of course I would!

Betelgeuse: You count to twenty, I'll hide. Go!

Sky: One, two, three, four- 

Betelgeuse: Oh, fellas! *Conjures up six clones, all around the store.* 

Sky: Five, six, seven, eight- 

Betelgeuse: *Conjures up another three* 

Sky: Nine, ten, eleven, twelve-

Betelgeuse: *Conjures up two more* 

Sky: Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen-

Betelgeuse: *Hides in a store cupboard*

Sky: Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty! Coming!

*Clone pops out* 

Adam: That isn't Betelgeuse, surely? 

Sky: Found y-you don't look right. You're too slim. But how could someone else look like Betelgeuse? I don't understand. *Runs a few metres along the aisle* There you are! Wait, that's not Betelgeuse either.

Barbara: I don't understand. *Several clones pop out at her and she screams*

Adam: *grabs the bleach* There we go, that's everything. I can just imagine Lydia making an edgy joke right now. *Clone appears from behind the shelf and he jumps back* 

Sky: Betelgeuse? Where are you? 

Betelgeuse: *from behind her, in the cupboard* Boo! 

Sky: Ah! There you are, I've been looking for you everywhere. 

Betelgeuse: *sat down with his head resting on his elbow* So, do I win?

Barbara: Not until you make this clones disappear. 

Betelgeuse: Fine. They're gone. 

Sky: Is that all it takes? You snapping your fingers?

Betelgeuse: Yup. For me, at least. You're not magic. 

Sky: Barbara, why am I not magic? 

Barbara: I don't know. Let's find Adam and meet up with the others, we should all be finished shopping by now. 

Betelgeuse: Wow. That was fast. I'm impressed. 

Barbara: Good. Let's go.

Lydia: Betelgeuse! I missed you! 

Betelgeuse: I missed you too, kid. 

Charles: It's been five minutes. 

Lydia: And? 

Charles: *shakes his head in despair*

Betelgeuse: Say, Lydia, do you want a piggy back ride round the store before we go? 

Lydia: You betcha!

Adam: Is that really a good idea? 

Betelgeuse: Of course it is.

Lydia: *jumping onto his back while Charles pays for everything* Let's go! 

Delia: That looks fun. God, I wish I was young again. I mean, I am still young! Of course I am! 

Betelgeuse: Pardon me, 'scuse me, sorry to barge in. Sorry. I didn't mean to step on your foot, sorry! *To Lydia* Yes, I did. He was wearing a Trump hat. Fuck Trump.

Lydia: *laughs* Exactly. Whoa, slow down, you're going too fast. I think I'm gonna fall off! Betelgeuse! 

Betelgeuse: Okay, okay. 

Lydia: Thank goodness you set me down, I would have crashed into something or other if you hadn't. Oh, and thanks for the piggy back ride, by the way. Made me feel like I was a little girl, on my Mom's shoulders again. My Mom-I'm sorry, I don't usually cry-she always did stuff like this. So, er, thanks for that. 

Betelgeuse: No problem, scarecrow. Any time. 

Sky: Ooh, me next, me next! 

Barbara: Kids. Honestly, what are they like? 

Adam: *kissing her on the cheek* Yeah, I know.

Delia: I work with children. How do you think I feel?

Charles: Overwhelmed? 

Delia: You can say that again!

Sky: *on Betelgeuse's shoulders* This is awesome! 

Betelgeuse: And next time, I might even decide not to steal anything! 

*Everyone laughs* 

Lydia: Now, let's go home. Who knows what kind of chaos will be waiting for us next?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its so long, thanks for reading! Don't forget to comment and have a great day! (:
> 
> Hey, guys? 
> 
> Love you guys 💚🖤💚🖤


	6. That Was Possession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Betelgeuse is bored and attempts to possess someone, but little does he know that, like many of his previous plans, it's going to go wrong....
> 
> (Trigger warning for food, swearing and a vague mention of abandonment and insecurities in relation to Delia)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify, this is obviously involving all the versions of the characters from the musical and not from the movie, however I did slip in and paraphrase some dialogue from the movie in this chapter, try to find it by all means! Sorry it's so long again! 
> 
> Trigger warning for food and swearing. Sorry about the whole food thing. I'll try to include it less. 
> 
> Enjoy and don't forget to comment below! (:

Sky: Good morning everyone! 

Delia: Good morning! Can you hear the birds chirping? I can, it's a beautiful sound. 

Charles: Ah yes, morning. The perfect time for productivity. 

Adam: Yep. Aka tidying up the basement with Barbara again. 

Barbara: It will be fun! And besides, you know what they say, the early bird catches the worm. 

Lydia: *sipping coffee* It's too early for this bullshit, I swear. 

Charles: Language!

Lydia: English. 

Charles: You're becoming more and more like that demon every day, I swear. You're even talking in the same way as him. Delia, are you taking notes? This is a concern. 

Delia: I'll make sure to bring it up in our next session. 

Lydia: Please don't. 

Charles: Hey, do you guys hear anything? Because I don't. 

Barbara: Let's get going for the day! 

Lydia: It's only seven in the morning. 

Barbara: Precisely! Rise and shine! Say, Adam, what have you got cooking for this morning? 

Adam: Full English. 

Betelgeuse: A full English person? 

Charles: Ah! Mr Juice, we didn't see you there. You've got to stop scaring everyone like that. 

Lydia: I don't know, I kind of like it. 

Delia: Well of course you would. You're...unique. 

Lydia: I prefer strange and unusual, personally. 

Delia: Whatever works for you. 

Betelgeuse: I'm good thanks, Charles. 

Adam: Don't you think you're scaring Sky? 

Betelgeuse: *imitating him* dOn'T yOu tHinK yOu'Re sCaRiNg SkY?

Charles: That's quite enough. 

Betelgeuse: Whatever. 

Adam: This bacon sure smells good! 

Betelgeuse: *taking some* Don't mind if I do. 

Adam: Hey! 

Betelgeuse: Eh. 

Barbara: Whoa, whoa, whoa mister! You can't go around doing that! 

Betelgeuse: Ooh, sorry. Because you scare me so much and definitely golf the authority to tell me what to do.

Barbara: I'm not arguing with you. 

Betelgeuse: Frankly, I never said you were. 

Barbara: Okay. 

Sky: It's so sunny outside! 

Lydia: Hey Sky, we should take a walk later. 

Sky: I'd love that! 

Lydia: Great. 

Delia: Hey Betelgeuse, you're a star, you know that? 

Betelgeuse: I sure am! 

Delia: No, I don't mean it like that, no offense or anything though. You're literally named after a star. 

Sky: What's the star called? 

Delia: 

Betelgeuse: 

Lydia: 

Charles: 

Adam: 

Barbara: Never mind.

Betelgeuse: Oh. I didn't know that. Cool. Thanks, Delilah. 

Delia: It's Delia. 

Betelgeuse: Whatever.

Barbara: Why do you never seem to care, Betelgeuse? 

Delia: That's his real magic. Because you start to wonder what people think of you, I mean you're not wanted anywhere if nobody likes you. Then where does that leave you? Nowhere. Stuck at home in this godforsaken country, without a husband but not technically nor legally divorced because your husband is in Rome with his WONDERFUL, AMAZING boyfriend. You begin to wonder whether anyone ever has or ever will care about you. Maybe you did your hair wrong, maybe that's why you get those odd people staring at you like you're bananas, absolutely mad, crazy, off your head in the street, and-

Charles: Delia, I-

Lydia: No, no. Let her finish, Dad. I'm interested in seeing what she's got to say. 

Sky: For once. 

Lydia:

Sky: What? I'm observant. I pick up on stuff easily. 

Lydia: Spell observant for me, Sky. 

Sky: *sticks her tongue out at Lydia*

Delia: Anyway, like I'm crazy, so they must hate me, right? All that stuff I was secretly insecure about, it matters to those people. Like me, they know how big my nose is or how weird my eyes look. Maybe that's why I left me, or maybe he never liked women in the first place but clearly never trusted me enough to tell me that he was gay. Which means we had trust issues, and I was too oblivious to it, so now I'm oblivious as well as crazy, of course. And I start wondering, not be paranoid, but perhaps I am, how long was it going on? Was he cheating the whole time?

Barbara: Delia, are you alright?

Delia: It hurts so much and nobody tells you about that part of love, because they don't want to scare you, or perhaps I'm just completely ignorant to the world around me. And we can't have that, can we? Now I'm lonely, left with my thoughts, so I buy a cat and it doesn't like me so I'm not a likeable person. I have to freeze my eggs because I am all alone in this world, then I find love again but what if it doesn't work out? What will he think of me? So, he's saving himself a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and an insecurity ridden brain, really. You all are, just try not to care what people think. Yeah, that's my advice. 

Betelgeuse: *holding a bucket of popcorn, with a pair of glasses you'd find at a cinema on*: Wow. Did not see that one coming. That was a wild ride from start to end, to be honest with you. 

Adam: Did anybody else notice how she began that speech by referring to it as 'you' but then changed it to 'I', or was it only me? 

Barbara: *hits him lightly*

Adam: What? What did I do wrong?

Barbara: Not now, Adam. There's a time and place for the Grammar Police, and that time is not now. 

Charles: Delia. I never knew. Can we go upstairs and discus this? Barbara and Lydia will make everyone some tea, and they can bring it up to us. 

Lydia: No, I'm n-

Barbara, through gritted teeth: Yes, you are, Lydia.

Charles: Right. Also, we've got some tissues and we can even watch your favourite film. Does that sound good to you? 

Delia: Sure does!

Charles: Great. That's brilliant. Adam, Barbara, you're on child duty. 

Betelgeuse: I'm literally older than all of you put together. Multiplied by, like, seven.

Sky: How old are you, Betelgeuse?

Betelgeuse: A thousand years old. 

Sky: Whoa. 

Betelgeuse: Yeah. Whoa indeed. It's not all fun and games, but impressive enough, I guess. 

Lydia: You guess?

Betelgeuse: Yeah, I guess. I've never been killed before, either, until you came along.

Lydia: *shrugs* You deserved it, you d-

Barbara: Let's just calm down, shall we? Lydia, you've got your younger sister to think about. Just remember that the next time you think about swearing. Got it? 

Lydia: But I'm a teenager, teenagers swear all the time. It's perfectly natural.

Barbara: I said, got it?

Lydia: Yeah, yeah. Got it. 

Betelgeuse: *chuckling* 

Lydia: What? 

Betelgeuse: You getting lectured by Barbara is hilarious, that's all. 

Barbara: Hey, you're not much better, you know. 

Betelgeuse: Yeah, I do try my best, Babs. I appreciate you noticing my efforts. 

Barbara: Don't call me Babs. 

Betelgeuse: Alright, sorry, Babs. 

Barbara: Does anyone else hear anything? I don't. Right. Okay. Adam's making the breakfast. Charles is (somehow) Delia's emotional support right now. Lydia, we're on tea duty. Betelgeuse, I don't think you can be trusted around Sky still. There's no point in protesting that, either. And Lydia is reluctant to do tea duty, right? 

Lydia: Right. 

Barbara: So, being the iconic duo you two are, and given how often you look out for each other, Betelgeuse and Lydia can clean the living room together. 

Betelgeuse: Wait, we're doing chores? Ugh. Kill me now. 

Lydia: Happily. It won't do anything to you, though. 

Betelgeuse: I KNOW THAT, LYDIA! Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to yell. It's just, that troubles me so much-people assuming I'm stupid. 

Lydia: You literally ingested almost half a jar of glitter, like, two weeks ago, Betelgeuse. 

Betelgeuse: Irrelevant. 

Adam: Sometimes, smart people make stupid decisions, Lydia. 

Barbara: He's right. You should listen to him more often. He's very wise like that. 

Adam: But marrying you was my least stupid decision, of course, Barbara. 

Barbara: Aww! 

*They kiss and Lydia fake vomits*

Betelgeuse: Ugh. Yuck. Love. Let's go clean up. 

Barbara: Awesome. I'm assuming at least one of you knows how to use a vacuum cleaner? 

Lydia and Betelgeuse: Totally!

Barbara: Perfect. Sky, get the teabags out. We're making English tea to go with Adam's (undoubtedly) delicious English breakfast! 

Sky: *claps her hands* Yay!

Lydia: She's so easily amused. 

Betelgeuse: As am I. You probably were, once in your life. 

Lydia: Yeah. When Mom was alive, I was. She'd do the stupidest things, in hindsight, and I'd find it hilarious. Crazy, isn't it, how much your happiness can rely solely on one person? 

Betelgeuse: Are you okay? 

Lydia: I'm fine, just sad. 

Betelgeuse: I get it. Everything can get so isolating, sometimes, too. You know, people making you sad and shit. 

Lydia: That's why we're friends. So, about the vacuum cleaner. You know how to use it? 

Betelgeuse: Nope. 

Lydia: Me neither. 

Betelgeuse: Shit. 

Lydia: Shit, indeed.

Adam:*from the kitchen* What did Barbara say about no swearing, huh?

Lydia and Betelgeuse: Sorry, Adam! 

Betelgeuse: You know, Lydia. This thing reminds me of that the soul box and that guy who thinks he's the fifth Ghost Buster or something. 

Lydia: Otho? 

Betelgeuse: Yeah. Not seen him for a hot minute. 

Lydia: Knowing Delia, we'll probably see him soon.

Betelgeuse: Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, so I was thinking, the soul box reminds me a little of something-possession. 

Lydia: Oh no. What have you got up your sleeve, Beej? 

Betelgeuse: Just you wait. 

Lydia: I'd rather not, thanks. 

Betelgeuse: Too bad. How do ya feel about being possessed? 

Lydia; Being possessed? As in, me being possessed? 

Betelgeuse: Yeah. That. I could already imitate your voice if I wanted to. 

Lydia: I doubt that. 

Betelgeuse: Just try me. 

Lydia: Go on, then. I'm waiting.

Betelgeuse: *Clears his throat* I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound mind. The man next to me is somebody who I want to possess me. Yes, you asked me, and I'm answering. I am willing to be possessed. 

Lydia: What the-? No, I'm not willing. No. I refuse. No way. 

Betelgeuse:Too late. 

Lydia: Nope. You've already betrayed my trust once before-

Betelgeuse: Which I'm sorry about-

Lydia: -And I won't let you do it again.

Betelgeuse: How about we keep it as our little secret, yeah? 

Lydia: That sounds creepy. 

Betelgeuse: What can I say? I'm a creepy old guy, after all. Aren't I? 

Lydia: You said you'd changed! 

Betelgeuse: Hey now girl, don't back away from me. Please. I have changed! I want a little fun, that's all. Is that honestly too much to ask for? 

Lydia: If that's your idea of fun then yes, it is. 

Betelgeuse: I won't possess you for long.

Lydia: Adam called it violating when you did it once. So, no thanks. 

Betelgeuse: I can make you fly, if you want. Or say something really funny. Or do something really cool. Practically anything, really. Think of it and I'll do it. I'm bored of chores. Please think about it at least. I'm not trying to force you or anything. 

Lydia: Aren't you? 

Betelgeuse: I didn't mean to. 

Lydia: It looks like you're slipping back into old habits. You've got a lot of work to go with improving yourself. 

Betelgeuse: I'm sorry. 

Lydia: Are you only saying that so you can possess me? So that I can be a puppet and you the puppet master? So that you can humiliate me and make me do or say something stupid or that I would only regret saying under your control? 

Betelgeuse: No. And I'm sorry for imitating you. Really, I am. I didn't mean to scare you and I shouldn't have said what I said. 

Lydia: You really shouldn't have. 

Betelgeuse: You're right. I'm sorry. 

Lydia: I'd like to believe you have a good heart, really. 

Betelgeuse: So do I, Lydia. So do I. 

Lydia: So, what now? 

Betelgeuse: Back to hoovering up, I guess. 

Lydia: *starts trying to hoover when she's lifted form the ground* Help! 

Betelgeuse: I'm showing you what I have to offer you! 

Lydia: I'm stuck! 

Betelgeuse: Oops. That happens when I get nervous. Please don't be so loud, they'll think something is up. 

Lydia: Something is up. In the air. And it's me! And I should not be up here! 

Betelgeuse: Look, I'm sorry for accidentally doing that to you but please calm down, please- 

Charles: Lydia? Is everything alright? I was just-ahh! What the hell? How did this happen? 

Lydia: Dad, it was Betelgeuse!

Charles: I'd course it was. I should have known. Mr Juice, that was a very irresponsible thing to do. You can't do that to my daughter. Look how scared she is! Not to mention, we don't want her being stick up there all day, do we? Bring her down immediately! 

Betelgeuse: I'm trying, let me calm myself down somewhat and it'll be perfectly manageable, I swear. 

Lydia: Hurry up about it! 

Betelgeuse: Gee thanks, now you're making me more anxious than ever.

Lydia: I try my best.

Betelgeuse: Believe me, my anxiety won't help you out in the slightest.

Lydia: Oh. Okay, then. 

Charles: I'll do the vacuuming, I think.

Lydia: How's Delia? 

Charles: Better than she was. It's all coming back to her now. 

Lydia: Ouch. That's gotta be rough on her. 

Charles: Yeah, I know. 

Adam *from the kitchen*: Breakfast is ready! 

Betelgeuse: Ooh, did he say breakfast is ready? Count me in! 

*Lydia falls to the floor due to Betelgeuse's excitement and Charles helps her up* 

Charles: I'm sorry he did that. 

Lydia: Don't be. Honestly. It's his fault, after all. Not yours.

You know what he's like. In fact, you know that more than anyone else. That much is obvious. But still. I'll have words with him. 

Lydia: That means a lot. Thanks, Dad. 

*Lydia hugs him, much to their joint surprise* 

Charles: Come on. Let's go get breakfast with the others. I don't know about you, but I'm simply ravenous. 

Lydia: Yeah, I'm hungry too. 

*They join everyone at the breakfast table* 

Sky: How was hoovering, Lydia? 

Lydia: *glances quickly at Betelgeuse, who's absolutely wolfing down his meal and takes no notice of her, then back to Sky again* It was fine, thanks. 

Barbara: That's funny. We didn't hear any hoovering, that's all. 

Adam: Probably over the sizzling pans and your weird radio channel. 

Barbara: I'll have you know, Radio Gaga is not weird! Or has these two hosts, TJ and Cyrus, who are really charismatic. 

Adam: No more charismatic than me, I would hope? 

Barbara: Of course not, but that's not the point. The point is, the radio channel is good. 

Adam: Oh, yeah? 

Barbara: Yeah, and I'll tell you why. 

Lydia: Hey, Betelgeuse? 

Betelgeuse: Hmm? You said my name? 

Lydia: Uh, so I might have overreacted when I was levitating. Turns out, it feels awesome. 

Betelgeuse: You made me feel guilty for no reason! 

Lydia: Not for no reason, no. What you did was still wrong, and you still owe me an apology. Beej?

Betelgeuse: *staring into the void* 

Lydia: Hello? 

Betelgeuse: Yeah, that. I phase out sometimes. It's nothing. And I am sorry for how I treated you, but hey, at least I'm learning every day, right? Like, I know not to summon bats into the basement again. 

Lydia: *laughs* That's something, at least. I'm glad you're sorry. Your apology is accepted. 

Betelgeuse: So, are we friends again? 

Lydia: Of course we are. 

*They smile at each other from across the table* 

Delia: Helloooo everyone! I have made an entrance, so spare a seat and a plate of food for me! 

Sky: Is she always like this? 

Everyone except for Delia and Sky: Yep. 

Lydia: Jesus Christ, I love this house, but it's just so chaotic sometimes. Whatever's next? 

Betelgeuse: We'll just have to wait and see what's in store for us next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I really hope you enjoyed this, sorry it was so long. Have a great day, I love you! (:


	7. Movies or Books?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They debate about whether movies or Books are superior.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little shorter than usual, sorry. Tw swearing (possibly?) and a trigger warning for a mention of death. 
> 
> Enjoy! (:

Betelgeuse: Right, okay. Things are boring round here. Let's start a debate going, shall we? 

Adam: Betelgeuse, no.

Betelgeuse: Betelgeuse, yes. 

Lydia: Okay, that actually sounds fun. Go on, then. 

Betelgeuse: Which is better, a good book or a good movie? Go! 

Adam: Books. They're engaging and informative. 

Barbara: I agree with Adam. Books. 

Betelgeuse: Babs! I didn't see you there. And you talk about me scaring people due to materialising out of nowhere. Speak for yourself! 

Barbara: So, am I finally scary? 

Betelgeuse: You're about as scary as the Trader Joe's parking lot. That goes for both of you. 

Adam and Barbara: *high fiving each other* YES! We did it! 

Sky: *walking in* You did what? 

Betelgeuse: Nothing, kid. Believe me. So, what do you prefer? A good book, or a good movie? 

Lydia: Betelgeuse! That's not fair! She's nine, naturally she'll say a good movie. 

Sky: No, I do read sometimes and my personality decides my preferences, not my age.

Betelgeuse: So, you prefer books then? 

Sky: Oh no. I prefer movies! They're full of life! But I do like science books because I have a heart condition, so I'm interested in biology. 

Lydia: That's sweet. 

Betelgeuse: Yup. Off topic, but sweet. What about you, Lydia? 

Lydia: I'd choose books any day. That way, I can use my own imagination to escape reality, despite it being someone else's creation. I get to put my own spin on it. It's more immersive, meaning that I can escape the meandering meaningless of life and the dark void known as our inevitable deaths. I get to act like none of that will ever happen because this is happening in a book and I'm living vicariously through someone else. Even though I'm real, and they're not.

Sky: 

Adam: 

Barbara: 

Betelgeuse: Are you okay? 

Delia: The life coaching sessions aren't working at the moment, if you couldn't tell already, Betelgeuse. 

Betelgeuse: Ah, I see. 

Lydia: How are they going for you? 

Delia: He spent the whole session pretending to be a dog, barking and getting on all fours, before acting feral. It was to annoy me, apparently. It just scared me.

Charles: And here I was, thinking you two were bonding, seeing as you agreed to share glitter and you made origami together. 

Betelgeuse: Eh. I suppose so. 

Delia: We're getting there! Positive thinking! Woo! 

Lydia: *sarcastically* Yeah! Positive thinking, woo! 

Charles: Lydia, don't start please. Now, what were you all talking about earlier? 

Sky: So Betelgeuse was all like, do you like books or movies better? And then they were being ageist because they- or, for want of a better word, Lydia-automatically assumed that because I'm nine years old, I prefer movies to books, even though I do. After that, I started telling them about my biology books and they were like that's sweet and Lydia went into an existential monologue and everyone started talking about therapy or life coaching or whatever so now, here we are.

Betelgeuse: Ha. That's close enough, Sky. We were having an intellectual debate about whether books or movies were superior, essentially. 

Delia: Movies, of course! They're fun and they're bursting full of life! There's the music, and the cinematography and all sorts. 

Lydia: I don't think you pronounced the word 'cinematography' correctly, Delia. 

Barbara: *nudging Lydia* Hey! Be nice.

Lydia: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. What do you prefer, Dad? 

Charles: *stroking his beard thoughtfully* I'd say books. Not only are they a mark of intellect, they're also incredibly cultured and a classical form of entertainment in general. 

Betelgeuse: *fake bowing and putting on a fancy accent* Excellent summary, master Charles. 

Charles: Be careful. This my house you're in, after all. 

Betelgeuse: And don't I know it.

Lydia: What about you, Betelgeuse? Which one is your favourite?

Betelgeuse: I don't know. I mean, I gotta say, I love books- 

Adam: You mean you love burning them. 

Barbara: *Coughs something that sounds suspiciously 'The Handbook For The Recently Deceased'*

Betelgeuse: Moving swiftly on from that, I think movies are just excellent, too. When my life began, they weren't even around. That's how modern they are to me. And don't even get me started on phones. Phones! Seriously, technological advancement of the century! Look, the point is I'm fascinated by movies. And I'm in love with books and how classic they are and this and that. But there's just something about movies..... 

Delia and Sky: Yes! 

Lydia: Not so fast. That's four for books, three for movies. We win! 

Barbara: What do we win, then? 

Betelgeuse: A warm, satisfactory glow in your heart. 

Sky: Aw, man. I could do with a warm, satisfactory glow on my heart. It would really help! 

*Everyone laughs bar Sky herself*

Adam: Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we start up a Book Club for those who favour books? 

Delia: But isn't that excluding myself, Sky and Betelgeuse?

Adam: Not necessarily. You could watch a film together run the meantime. Like a film club, if you'd like.

Barbara: I married a genius! *Kisses Adam* 

Adam: Aw, I don't know about that.

Charles: I do quite like this idea, though. Agreed? 

Sky: Agreed. 

Delia: Agreed. 

Barbara: Agreed!

Lydia: Ditto. 

Charles: Betelgeuse, your thoughts? 

Betelgeuse: I don't like it. It separates every one.

Lydia: Ah, yes. Because you definitely haven't been the one dividing everyone the whole time.

Betelgeuse: I do my best. Still, it's my job and my job only. 

Charles: *shakes his head* You're crazy, Betelgeuse, you know that? 

Betelgeuse: Why, thankyou. 

Barbara: These times at getting strange and stranger.

Adam: And more unusual. 

Delia: You can say that again! 

Charles: And they'll only continue to do so with Lydia's birthday being next week and everything. 

Lydia: I know. What's next? 

Sky: We'll just have to find out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading, don't forget to comment below! 
> 
> I love you all, have an awesome day! 💖

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this, send your suggestions below (suggested scenarios or characters). Thanks for reading, don't forget to comment and have a great day! ❤


End file.
